Recently, a mentor/friend of mine posted a similar blog post about this topic, and it struck a beautiful chord in me. Now these are my raw, messy emotional but beautiful thoughts.
I have strayed away from posting a lot about my personal life and I’m still learning what/when to post and not to post. But as an enneagram 4 I cannot keep a part of myself hidden away for very long or very well. I created this blog as a creative outlet and right now it’s very much needed.
Here it goes…
I grew up Christian and I have identified as that for the majority of my life but recently, I have entered into a season I’ve never experienced before.
For years, I based my relationship with God on what I was taught and who I was taught by. I went through a lot in my personal life during the year 2017. But out of that year, my relationship with God became my own for what felt like the first time in my life (it’s funny how surrender does that).
And for the past four or five years, I would describe my faith as the strongest it’s ever been…
Up until the years of 2020-2021. As the world shut down due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the naive part of me wanted to see us come out of it unified. But as we know now, being isolated actually made us even more divided, and I would argue the most divided. Especially within the American Evangelical Church, and even broader than that, the American Church as a whole.
The Church I grew up in and loved so much for the majority of my life was now equivalent with white supremacy, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, greed, and power.
All things I have been actively fighting against for years.
I was aware of the homophobia, transphobia, and misogyny, but recently, the blinders came off and I have seen just how deep the claws of power, greed, and white supremacy run. All things that have perpetuated and fueled the breeding grounds of prejudice, discrimination, and have glorified stepping on others for personal gain.
The Church I have loved my whole life is now equivalent with power hunger.
This year, my eyes have been opened and this “Church” now equates the Jesus I grew up learning about and thought I knew with power hunger as well.
I hate to admit this but from my perspective, the American Church has stained the once holy image of God I thought I knew, by putting Him into a funhouse mirror.
The distorted image of God that surrounds society now has made me question my own faith and relationship with God.
Have I distorted His image myself with my own beliefs that discrimination has no place in any House of the Lord?
Has the Jesus I was taught about that flipped tables, had women witness His miracles and help spread the Gospel, been white, power hungry, and hated Gay and Trans folks the whole time?
Typing that out looks silly, but honestly, that’s what it’s felt like for the past year.
The funhouse mirror version of God/Jesus that is spread everywhere has, sadly made me question everything I thought I knew.
This is something I don’t think I can live with, and that has left what feels like a lasting impact on me and a profound heaviness on my heart.
This leads me to where I am now.
In a season of deconstruction, trying to seek His truth, and grief.
I am grieving the Jesus I knew.
Due to the prominent “Christian leaders” telling me and the world that I and my mentors are in the wrong.
Our theology is somehow wrong.
And it’s not just one side of the coin. Both sides are telling the other side that they’re wrong.
How are we supposed to bring Heaven on Earth when we are othering each other.
Aren’t we supposed to be one body?
Or am I wrong to even think that?
I am in no way innocent in this either, I have done a LOT of othering. Sometimes without even realizing.
Everywhere I look I see nothing but division, with no unity in sight.
This, I feel is the saddest part. My hope for change is growing dimmer by the minute.
My hope in change and wanting to be that change is dwindling a little more each day.
I want so desperately to be that change. But there is going to be no change if everyone around you continues to tear each other down for personal gain.
White supremacy, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, and greed are all idols.
But no one is admitting that.
And without that, they will continuously be woven into the very canvas that is the image of God
So no wonder people are leaving.
We NEED a move. We NEED accountability and we NEED to humble ourselves before the Lord.
I’m holding my sword while being kicked lying down.
I have a speck of hope that keeps me going, but I am scared everyday that it will float away.
And if that happens, I might have to leave.
For now, I’ll leave you with my lament. It is raw and messy and yes, has a LOT of othering language.
I am still human after all, but I am working on it, and will never stop trying to be and do better.
“My God why have You forsaken us? Your people are divided. Your people are hurting. There is so much pain. Why have You gone dormant? Why is everything in shambles? You are supposed to be good and just. Yet there is hurt, pain, and evil everywhere. Your people are defiling your name and it feels like You are doing NOTHING! You at supposed to be above all of our worldly problems and desires. Yet everywhere I look You are being looped into Misogyny, Racism, Sexism, and Discrimination. Why are there no answers to who You are? Why are you being advertised to exist in a wrathful, discriminatory way? That is not Who I believe in but why does it feel like that? Is what I’m believing wrong? Are You a wrathful, discriminatory God? Why are your people using You as a weapon against your people? How did your people get to a place where they are dwindling You down to fit their needs? Why don’t I feel You anymore? Why have I lost my passion for You? WHY? The world needs you right now. Why does it seem like you have abandoned us? Why are there no answers to these questions? Nothing makes sense anymore. You have always been constant, yet it feels like You have abandoned us. I feel abandoned Lord. I want to believe You are good, just, equitable, righteous and ever so loving. Am I also dwindling You down to fit my earthly needs/desires? I want answers. I’m losing hope God. I fear I am also losing You. I fear the answers I seek are not going to be good. All of this can’t be wished away due to the fall. I can’t help but feel like there is more to it than just that. I am sick of people referring to “the fall” as a crutch, with no accountability. It feels like that right now. It feels like people use that to justify and perpetuate sin and evil, yet at the same time I feel like I am the evil one. I feel like everything I believe about You is a lie. It feels like everywhere I look, I’m the wrong one. Yet everyone else seems to use You to boost their own ego. You feel so far away. You feel like You are standing idly by. I feel so angry, frustrated, bitter, while also feeling like a spiritual zombie. What seems the point anymore? I am clinging onto You while also fearful of abandoning You. I don’t want that, and I know You don’t want that either. I need a move. Your people need a move. We need a move. I’m tired of feeling abandoned, lost, jaded, apathetic, angry, frustrated, and scared all the time. WHERE HAVE YOU GONE? I don’t want to lose you, but I’m fearful I will.”
Linked below is my beautiful mentor/friend’s blog post so please go check it out.
https://lifeunbalancedsite.wordpress.com/author/lifeunbalancedsite/
A Beautiful Mess 